I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
