She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
