I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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