Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
