Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Randomize
