I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
