when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
