the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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