Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize