she woke up with a sticky ear
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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