I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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