This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
