so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize