also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
