So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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