Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Randomize
