Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
