new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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