He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
