What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
