I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
