No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
