He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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