he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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