If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
no you cant smoke seaweed
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
