I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
i out mim tonsoeep
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
