please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
