Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize