I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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