My Higher Power is John Stamos
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
