Just fell off a train. Bad.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My underwear smells like fireworks.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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