I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
