I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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