I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm too high and old for this...
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
