i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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