This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
