I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
