I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
