i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
