I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
