You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize