Yo dont text me then not text me
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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