i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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