I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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