the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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