Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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