is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
