just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
