And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
