It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
