am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
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