my room smells like sperm. sweet.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
