I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
