he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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