he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
